Some of you who followed my blog during my weight loss days may be wondering what happened with that…
The truth of the matter is I really hurt myself by losing 40 pounds in 5 months on a mental, physical and spiritual level and have been working on healing ever since. As a part of this process, my epic 56lb loss is currently at a 41lb maintained loss. On one hand it is really sad that the gain happened, but I am in such a better state than I was last year.
Last summer when I had no choice but to switch to maintenance, I was deathly afraid of gaining weight again and slowed the healing process by not eating enough, not getting enough rest and started saying “I hate you” to myself. I was frustrated and far removed from the person who had completely entrusted the weight loss to God the year before. It has truly been a lesson in humility and gratitude. God gave me my life back through the weight loss achieved, but didn’t love me any more for being slim. Being slim didn’t make me a better person or a better witness to Christ – I was too worried about myself and trying to find the perfect combination of food and exercise that would help me lose another 30lbs. I’ve realized since then that sometimes being a witness to Christ is as simple as just being present, listening to others and allowing yourself to be a response to prayer. If you’re constantly unavailable and only focused on yourself, how can you be Christ to others?
A part of the mental healing was learning to accept myself. For example earlier this year I was still stuck in the past, particularly my 18th year, the age of “perfection” which was when I wasn’t ancient, was at my smallest, was vibrant, full of imagination, energy and curiosity, loving my art classes and filled with big ideas for the future. Seriously, if you gave me the opportunity to go back in time with my current knowledge and live it over again, I would have taken it in a heartbeat. I felt I had nothing to lose but the undesirable and everything to gain. However, it is not possible and this idea plagued me for months as it didn’t sit well that I was at odds with who I am now. I brought it up in prayer and over time realized I was still beating myself up over my “wasted” years of depression, obesity, otakuism and my overall perceived uselessness. But then I was blessed with a series of amazing experiences which made me understand that if I was anyone other than who I was presently, I would have never had the same opportunity. I am still me even if I’m fluffier, I’m still competitive when I want to be and go on spontaneous adventures. It may be harder, slower, or shorter, but the extra weight doesn’t stop me from doing the things I want to do, being true to myself or being Christ to others. Just last month I was finally able to say with confidence, “I accept myself as I am and I am going to live my life right where I am.”
I am not at my goal weight or even my last year weight, but I’m okay with that. God and I will work on it when the time is right. 🙂
Thanks for reading!